Here are two sample players. Who would you rather have on your team?
Player A: Incredible vision, head-spinning stickhandling and breakaway speed. Their parents will heckle the refs, attempt to coach from the stands and complain about just about anything.
Player B: Hardworking with average speed and a decent shot. Most likely a third or fourth liner on most teams. Their parents are quiet and will volunteer to help when needed, support the coaching staff and are always on time.
Like it or not, on-ice performance is just one component of a player evaluation. Families get to know each other very well over the course of a season. Evaluators and coaches know when certain players may be carrying a bit more baggage than others.
Ken Martel, senior director of player & coach development for USA Hockey, has over 25 years of experience in player development and has seen the good, the bad and the ugly side of sports parents. Martel applauds passionate parents, but he has no patience for the parents who feel compelled to coach during a game.
“We had a pretty good player on a youth national team whose father was in the stands, trying to give him signals on how to play,” Martel recalled. “The player had all this potential, but he never got to any level that was successful.”
While a parent’s intentions might be good, you may be doing more harm than good—mentally and emotionally.
Sometimes you need to stay in your lane as a parent.
Martel wants parents to understand the importance of the parent, coach, athlete triangle. All three need to be on the same page, with the key being communication.
“The worst thing is to have the parents saying one thing and the coach saying something different,” Martel said. “Who is the child supposed to listen to? They’ll be conflicted and confused, because they’ll be thinking, ‘I’m supposed to be listening to my coach, but then I’ll be going against my parent.’”
Martel added that parents should think about the kind of pressure they could be indirectly putting on their kid.
Doug Heller, a Tier I 14U hockey dad and author, understands it may be tempting for parents to chime in about performances on the ice after a tough game or practice, but it’s best to keep it light. You can help your kids shake it off and move on with positive conversations such as:
· I realize that (one shift or the whole game) probably wasn’t what you were hoping for, but hey, we live and learn.
· Just take it one shift at a time. On to the next shift—that’s all the pros can do as well.
· Don’t worry about it. There’s a whole season (or half the season or full month) remaining.
· Look, that game is now behind you.
There are more games ahead. You’ll be fine.
Obviously, this is easier said than done.
“But a lot of parents do try…I try,” Heller said.
Martel understands. He knows it can be difficult because we’re so emotionally invested in our kids.
“To sit back and watch sometimes is really painful for a parent,” Martel said. “But remember, we learn by trying and doing, and there can be a lot of failure before we have success.”
Hockey parents may benefit from a personal Hippocratic Oath—a “Do No Harm” pledge before each season. It gets tricky because most parents have the best intentions at heart. We owe it to ourselves, and our players, to check our behavior.
Is complaining about that call going to change the officials’ minds and help the team?
Probably not.
Is demanding power-play time for your child going to make the coach understand that they’re a developing superstar prospect?
Probably not.
So, parents, let’s all agree to do our part and Do No Harm.